"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise." Psalm 51:17 ESV
"Reproaches have broken my heart so that I am in despair. I looked for pity, but there was none, and for comforters, but I found none." Psalm 69:20 ESV
If you lived in the United States of America from 1964 to today and were ever a kid, I am almost sure that you have seen the annual showing of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer at some point during the Christmas season. These days you can watch it any time of year you want with the advancements we have today. But when we were kids you had to wait for one special time a year when either ABC or CBS would show it on prime time TV.
There is one part of the show that has stuck with me over the years. It was the part of the show when Rudolph and his friends journeyed to the Island of Misfit Toys. Rudolph was under the impression that he was broken because his nose glowed and his elf friend Hermey thought he was damaged because he hated making toys and wanted to be a dentist instead. Both of them thought they were broken in some sort of way.
As I grew older, I lost interest in watching the program but a few years ago I was reminded of it when a friend of mine made the comment that, "Matt, he is just a broken toy." That has stuck with me in more ways than this man could ever realize. We all laughed about it and still do from time to time but there is truth in what my friend said. I am a broken toy. Some days are more broken than others. But it has made me think...What breaks me?
Was it moving away from everything I knew when I was young?
Was it the disappointment of not making the team when I tried out?
Was it the failure of a marriage?
Was it the death of loved ones that I trusted above all others?
Was it being let down by those that I cared about and trusted?
Was it the death of my spouse a few years back?
Was it the diagnosis I didn't want to hear?
I have taken stock of what others perceive about me lately.
Some see a man that is hard-edged and sharp on the surface. Quite possibly the meanest man on the face of the planet.
Someone who never has a good word to say and only focuses on the negative.
Some see the man that stood at a man-made altar, waiting on his second chance at happiness, fighting back the tears of joy brought on by the fact that God had been merciful enough to grant him the opportunity to be HER husband.
Some see the man that loves his children, biological or not, with a wide-open and forgiving heart.
Some see the man that would give whatever was needed to someone if they needed it and he had it.
All of these things are true but what most don't see is that man that comes to God every single day. The man with the cracks in his armor, the arrows in his heart, daggers in his back, and wounds more numerous to count that only God can see. Wounds that only God can heal. Wounds from almost 43 years of living a life on this earth. Scars are numerous to count, some visible and some that can't be seen. A broken man from his feet to his head. Not much to look at. Imperfection at its finest.
I am not perfect. I don't attend church like I should. I don't say the right things at the right times. Often I say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong moment. I am simply a broken toy and that is OK. It is in my brokenness that God continues to show up in my life.
As I sit in my office and take stock of the last forty-three years I can honestly say I have no idea how in the world I ended up where I am right now but I wouldn't trade my journey or experiences for anything in this world. I am broken the way God wants me to be broken. Could I do more? Absolutely! Could I be better? No doubt! But I would still be broken. There is nothing wrong with being broken. It is only when you don't realize that you are broken and try to act unbroken that your life beings to fall apart. Despite my brokenness God has held me together, especially when I didn't ask Him to.
I have learned that it is OK to be broken and in my brokenness, I find the one that is the real me.
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