Five years ago today, I lost my dad. The weight of that day still rests heavily on my heart, reminding me that grief doesn't have an expiration date. While time has passed, the memories remain vivid, and the void is ever-present. It's a testament to the deep love and bond we shared. To those who've stood by me, your support has been my anchor. And to everyone who's lost a loved one, know that it's okay to grieve in your own time and your own way. Today, I celebrate my dad's life, cherishing every moment we had. Hold your loved ones close, cherish the memories, and let love guide you through. The message below is my ode to grief and the complexity that comes with it.
Grief is a complex emotional process that can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, or background. However, societal norms and expectations often influence how different genders process and express their grief. Men, in particular, are frequently faced with unique challenges when coping with loss, which can have long-term effects on their mental health.
Societal Expectations and the "Stoic Man"
I once heard someone say that a man should be the strongest person at his father's funeral. And I exhibited that on the outside, but inside, I was a mess. Society has historically expected men to be the pillars of strength, suppressing their emotions and soldiering on. This archetype of the "stoic man" can make it challenging for many men to openly express their grief or seek support, exacerbating the emotional toll. I lost my wife, my dad, and my mom all in six years, and I am still processing all that emotional loss.
Internalization and Suppression
For far too long, I suppressed the grief and all the toll that comes with it, much to my detriment. Due to societal pressures, many men internalize their distress. Instead of expressing their emotions, they might suppress or ignore them, hoping they'll fade with time. This suppression can lead to unresolved feelings, which can fester and negatively impact mental health.
Physical Manifestations
Unprocessed grief in men can manifest physically. Some might experience disturbances in sleep, changes in appetite, or even unexplained aches and pains. The mind-body connection is powerful, and the body often reveals what the mind tries to hide. For me, I began to pour myself into my work, and I ignored the folks who were still here. I tried to "white knuckle" my grief until it became unbearable to deal with, and I collapsed from the weight.
Risk of Substance Abuse
Men are statistically more likely to use substances like alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism. Using substances to numb the pain or escape from the reality of loss can lead to dependency, addiction, and a slew of other health problems. I count myself as "lucky" that I never have had an issue walking away from alcohol. Still, I can say that after my experiences with grief and the toll that has to be paid from it, I can understand why some just want to be "numb" and "fade" out rather than face the feelings that we weren't prepared to handle.
Emotional Isolation
Men might find it challenging to open up about their grief, leading to feelings of isolation. Without the necessary emotional outlets or support networks, this isolation can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety. For me, my night of "isolation" came in December of 2015. I spent most of that cold, clear winter night at the end of a pier contemplating suicide. I had cut myself off from the world outside of work - my support network - and allowed the grief to engulf me. I was literally at the darkest point of my life.
Difficulty in Seeking Help
The stigma around men seeking therapy or counseling persists. Many men feel that admitting they need help is a sign of weakness, further delaying their healing process and increasing the risk of prolonged mental health issues. I wasn't raised to ask for help in that way. I was always told to push down the pain and soldier on. And it literally almost killed me - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It caused me to question everything I had ever been taught. But I learned that the only way out was through the pain.
Impact on Relationships
The inability to process and express grief can strain relationships. Partners, family, and friends might feel shut out or helpless, not knowing how to support the grieving individual. Unless you have experienced death up close in your life, I don't know that you truly understand what someone is dealing with when that loss comes. There is no manual or guide on how to "be there." The fact remains the best thing you can do is simply show up. Nothing needs to be said. Just be there.
Potential for Mental Health Disorders
Chronic suppression of grief can contribute to the onset of mental health disorders in men, such as depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Recognizing and addressing these disorders early can pave the way for recovery. Since December 2014, I have struggled with hospitals. I can't even bring myself to drive past the one where my wife passed away. It brings back a flood of memories and things that, while they have helped shape who I am today, bring pain and anxiety in waves.
The Power of Vulnerability
As society evolves, the narrative around male vulnerability is slowly changing. Embracing vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness can empower men to seek the help they need and lead to more profound healing. As a dear friend of mine always says, you are never as strong as you are when you step forward in faith and say I am not okay. Admitting that you are suffering is the most vital thing a man can do. It is the first step to healing.
The Journey of Grief is Individual
Every person's experience with grief is unique. While societal norms influence how men process grief, it's essential to remember that there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone's journey is individual and valid. My experiences with grief and the baggage that comes with it aren't like yours or your neighbors. I have learned over the past nine years that grief is often like a fingerprint. Everyone has a different one.
Men's mental health matters. The enduring effects of grief on their psyche are profound and often underestimated. Societal expectations have, at times, painted a picture of stoicism, silencing the emotional struggles many men face. However, by acknowledging the impact of grief and creating spaces where men feel supported in expressing and navigating their emotions, we can help redefine strength. Let's promote emotional vulnerability as courage and recognize the importance of mental well-being for everyone. Together, we can cultivate healthier coping strategies and foster a brighter, more understanding future for all. 💙🧠#MensMentalHealth #StrengthInVulnerability
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