“No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.”
Romans 4:20-21 ESV
Social media has the power to "share" what we want the world to think we are, well I am going to use this to show you who I want to be. I want to get very real and raw for a second. Some of you may read this and roll your eyes while others may read this and be encouraged, either way I hope you will bear with me while unpacking all of this stuff. I have often been told that I "share" too much. Since I was a little kid, I had a hard time keeping "secrets" and I tend to say more than I intend from time to time. But this is something that I have to get off my chest.
Over the past few months, I have really struggled with my place in the world and my faith. I have wrestled with the knowledge of whether I was really truly saved or not. I have been struggling with the doubts that I am really the man that I thought I was or was I what my enemy has been telling me I was. And I have done most of this all alone. My family bearing most of my frustrations, anger, and fear. Publicly, I want to apologize to them, Hannah Foote Mosley, Debbie Laws Mosley, Amanda Mosley Sloma, James Mosley, Gracie Mosley, and Bo Mosley for not living up the standards of a husband, father, son, and brother. I can't make up for the way I have acted or reacted other than to say I am going to do better through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Most of my spiritual life has been a roller coaster, full of highs and lows. I have always struggled with my place in the Body and understanding who I am in Christ. And five years ago, I started into the lowest point of my entire life.
Five years ago, I lost everything. I can look back and see that as a marker in my life. At that moment, whether intentional or not, I made a choice to start down the wrong road. I allowed the fear, bitterness that turned into anger, and ultimately the shame of who I had become, to turn me away from the path that I started on a long time ago. I allowed it to separate me from the church family that had wrapped their arms around me and the friends that propped me up and carry me. I poured my life into all the wrong things and started living like I wanted to live rather than who Christ expected me to live as His son.
There were a few times that I strayed back on to the "path" but it never lasted long. I would get back on the "narrow" road from time to time. I would "show" up for a while, then as quickly as I was in, I would be right back out again. Truly, I listened to all the lies that our enemy uses and I believed that I wasn't worth fighting for, I wasn't worth the trouble. I was just going to live like I wanted to live, no matter what.
Now you might stop and ask, well what changed. Sit tight because I am going to tell you.
No matter how far you go from God, He is right there when you turn back and start to look for Him. I was on a call with someone close to me in my business and we were talking back in December of last year. He said something that cut me at my bones. He told me, "Matt, you know what? You are all business. From sun up to sundown, you are all business." Right at that moment, I felt a chill come over my body and I recalled the words of my pastor from 4 years ago. He told me "Business and the success that comes with it is a great thing, but it makes a terrible god." I think you can replace "business" with anything but for me I had allowed my achievements and losses to define who I was rather than living the way God defined my life.
Over the last 5 1/2 months, I have poured over God's word, digging in secret, looking for the answers, and reading every book I could get my hands on to find a way to defeat these feelings I have been carrying around for the last 5 years. What have I learned? I can't do it alone. I can't unburden myself. It isn't like taking off your boots at the end of the day. It becomes part of who you are and the only way that I have found to remove it is through the redemptive fire that comes from the Holy Spirit. It takes dedication to God's Word. It takes communion with the Church. It takes living out your faith in a real way.
Some of you have stopped reading this, some will roll their eyes and scoff at my public display, and honestly, I couldn't blame you. I said above social media has the power to "share" what we want the world to think we are. Well I am going to use this to show you who I want to be.
I want to be a man known for his faith not his business success. I want to be known as a follower of Jesus Christ. That is it. If I can stay faithful from this day to my last day, I will have won the race. My life in Christ may have started well but I know I have stumbled, fallen, and honestly I've been running on the wrong track for a long time. But I am making this public confession of my faith, with full knowledge that some may not believe it, some will be skeptical, and others will fully encourage it. But I don't care if you believe me or not. It isn't about you. It is about me and my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Please pray for me and my family in the coming days and months. I am going to submit to discipleship from an older brother in Christ and i look forward to learning how to be a better man through God’s Word. God is continually working in our lives and I know that the road will be narrow and rocky from time to time. But we are more than our trials and we will grow stronger through them in our faith. I look forward to the day when my family and I can once again worship with other believers and I can fellowship with my family once again.
Sorry, I was long-winded but this was a lot to unpack. I am sure that there are a lot of folks that prayed for me during this time and I would list them all but there are simply too many.
Thank you for your patience and diligence and having the heart to pray that I come back to the faith and ultimately union with the body of Christ.
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