This is my four hundred and eighty-first post...during the time that I started this blog I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have lost those dear to my heart and gained new people to love and cherish. I have been through a couple of job changes. My living situation has changed a few times and I have got three new dogs, Sooie, Bua, and Burlsworth, all three are both the sweetest and most infuriating animals I have ever owned. But of all these highs and lows I abandoned the one thing that I shouldn't have ever walked away from...my faith.
Since early 2015, I have grown ever neglectful of my walk with Christ. I have turned my back on His church and the people that are in it. I have spat in the face of those who only wanted to see me restored to a right relationship with Christ and His Church. I abandoned the one thing that I could hold as a constant in my life. I walked, really in truth I ran away from it as fast as I could run...
As I sit here and write this I have to ask myself why? Why would a man that leaned heavily into his faith slowly walk away from it? Why would a man whom God had given multiple gifts for service in His work abandon it? What would cause this atrocity to take place? Why would a man who knew what a touch from the Holy Spirit felt like, purposefully grieve the Spirit so through his inaction and behavior?
Simply put, selfishness, pride, and anger. And if there are more words to describe the way I have felt over the past three years those are a pretty good start. I was prideful in my ability to do my job and it led to my downfall. When others older and wiser tried to warn me about the path I was headed down or the decisions that I needed to make, I didn't heed their warnings and listen to their saged advice. And what about the times when I could have taken a moment to care more about others, their wants and their needs, I only thought of my comfort at that moment. And eventually, the anger came. My old nemesis, Anger. The biggest struggle I have in my 39 years on this good earth and who was I mad at anyways?... That statement gives me pause...If I am honest with myself I would tell you I was angry at myself. I was embarrassed at the absolute waste of a man that I have become. And that anger, an anger that I have allowed to take root in my heart and poison every single thought and feeling in my sorry excuse for an existence, bled down onto everyone and everything in my life. So I walked away from the one thing that could show me a consistent frame of reference in my life and to date, I haven't been back...YET!
I have always been told that when I did something I was going to do it all the way, whether it was right or wrong...
My life is not perfect. I worry about the bills. I worry about my kids. I care too much about my Hogs and allow their wins or losses to affect my mood way more than I should. I work too much and allow it to distract me from other aspects of my life sometimes. I try too hard. Simple as that. I have always had a deep seeded need for others to like me. I truly don't know why that is but I have always felt less than I was supposed to be. I mean my dad didn't beat me, my mama didn't neglect me. I grew up with two great parents, who weren't always right and weren't always wrong but that I knew without a doubt loved me more than I truly deserved. I wasn't a juvenile delinquent or anything but I did give them their fair share of grey hair due to my lostness and behavior. And honestly I probably still do. (Mom and Dad, I am truly sorry for that.) I am struggling in my lostness still...
Have you ever been truly lost before? I mean have you taken a wrong turn down the wrong road and your GPS doesn't know where you are? Well, that would be an accurate description of my life. I have never truly known which way to go or what to do. I simply went with my gut. Sometimes I have been right and won, and then there are times when I did it and I was completely and totally wrong and it ended badly. I wound up somewhere I never intended to be in the first place and ended up being someone that I absolutely despise...
I am not writing this for anyone other than myself. I have found putting my thoughts down to be very cathartic. But if you read this and you're finding yourself in the same place...have no fear because I am with you and I am still working to find the piece of myself that is lost. I am in the study of God's word, seeking daily the redemption that I know I have lost. I am a work in progress...if I was a construction project I would we way overdue for completion and way over budget...anyone in their right mind would have abandoned me a long time ago.
I am ever thankful the One that we serve and worship doesn't abandon us to ruin. He sticks close by, even though we abandon Him, He is always ever present in our time of need and the thought of what we deserve never comes into the equation...except when we try to sort it out ourselves.
There will come a day and I pray for it to be soon, when I gain a better understanding of the who, what's, and where's that plague me. So here I am in this valley and I would ask everyone that reads this to pray for me. And as my dear old grandaddy used to tell me all the time and I have found it to always be true..."Son, thank you for the prayer and Lord knows you need the practice."
Since early 2015, I have grown ever neglectful of my walk with Christ. I have turned my back on His church and the people that are in it. I have spat in the face of those who only wanted to see me restored to a right relationship with Christ and His Church. I abandoned the one thing that I could hold as a constant in my life. I walked, really in truth I ran away from it as fast as I could run...
As I sit here and write this I have to ask myself why? Why would a man that leaned heavily into his faith slowly walk away from it? Why would a man whom God had given multiple gifts for service in His work abandon it? What would cause this atrocity to take place? Why would a man who knew what a touch from the Holy Spirit felt like, purposefully grieve the Spirit so through his inaction and behavior?
Simply put, selfishness, pride, and anger. And if there are more words to describe the way I have felt over the past three years those are a pretty good start. I was prideful in my ability to do my job and it led to my downfall. When others older and wiser tried to warn me about the path I was headed down or the decisions that I needed to make, I didn't heed their warnings and listen to their saged advice. And what about the times when I could have taken a moment to care more about others, their wants and their needs, I only thought of my comfort at that moment. And eventually, the anger came. My old nemesis, Anger. The biggest struggle I have in my 39 years on this good earth and who was I mad at anyways?... That statement gives me pause...If I am honest with myself I would tell you I was angry at myself. I was embarrassed at the absolute waste of a man that I have become. And that anger, an anger that I have allowed to take root in my heart and poison every single thought and feeling in my sorry excuse for an existence, bled down onto everyone and everything in my life. So I walked away from the one thing that could show me a consistent frame of reference in my life and to date, I haven't been back...YET!
I have always been told that when I did something I was going to do it all the way, whether it was right or wrong...
My life is not perfect. I worry about the bills. I worry about my kids. I care too much about my Hogs and allow their wins or losses to affect my mood way more than I should. I work too much and allow it to distract me from other aspects of my life sometimes. I try too hard. Simple as that. I have always had a deep seeded need for others to like me. I truly don't know why that is but I have always felt less than I was supposed to be. I mean my dad didn't beat me, my mama didn't neglect me. I grew up with two great parents, who weren't always right and weren't always wrong but that I knew without a doubt loved me more than I truly deserved. I wasn't a juvenile delinquent or anything but I did give them their fair share of grey hair due to my lostness and behavior. And honestly I probably still do. (Mom and Dad, I am truly sorry for that.) I am struggling in my lostness still...
Have you ever been truly lost before? I mean have you taken a wrong turn down the wrong road and your GPS doesn't know where you are? Well, that would be an accurate description of my life. I have never truly known which way to go or what to do. I simply went with my gut. Sometimes I have been right and won, and then there are times when I did it and I was completely and totally wrong and it ended badly. I wound up somewhere I never intended to be in the first place and ended up being someone that I absolutely despise...
I am not writing this for anyone other than myself. I have found putting my thoughts down to be very cathartic. But if you read this and you're finding yourself in the same place...have no fear because I am with you and I am still working to find the piece of myself that is lost. I am in the study of God's word, seeking daily the redemption that I know I have lost. I am a work in progress...if I was a construction project I would we way overdue for completion and way over budget...anyone in their right mind would have abandoned me a long time ago.
I am ever thankful the One that we serve and worship doesn't abandon us to ruin. He sticks close by, even though we abandon Him, He is always ever present in our time of need and the thought of what we deserve never comes into the equation...except when we try to sort it out ourselves.
There will come a day and I pray for it to be soon, when I gain a better understanding of the who, what's, and where's that plague me. So here I am in this valley and I would ask everyone that reads this to pray for me. And as my dear old grandaddy used to tell me all the time and I have found it to always be true..."Son, thank you for the prayer and Lord knows you need the practice."
Comments
Post a Comment